yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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