i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
