Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
