how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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