you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
