Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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