she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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