Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
cat food counts as protein by the way
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
