well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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