Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
