life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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