the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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