Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
