It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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