it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
