Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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