ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My cat gives me a boner
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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