I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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