From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
