I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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