don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
