either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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