I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
