Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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