My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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