i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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