It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
