i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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