I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
