Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
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Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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