Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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