he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
