i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
