so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
