you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
