Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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