you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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