I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
