Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
