A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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