I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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