well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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