take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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