and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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