I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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