you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
