I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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