so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
