you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
