i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
