I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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