Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
