Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
