I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
