When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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