i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
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Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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